Smile
by Fuzzy Eared
Summary: What no one knew about Allen and Kanda except for each other. Hints of shounenai. Angst. SPOILER alert for references to Kanda and Allen's first mission together and for the Ark segment. Yullen Oneshot COMPLETE


I DON'T OWN ANYTHING FROM D.GRAYMAN SO NO ONE SUE ME.

Warnings: hints of shounen-ai (boy love, though if you don't know what 'shounen-ai' means than what are you doing here?!) and SPOILER ALERT

I wanted to touch on sides of Kanda and Allen that I think a lot of fanfics are completely overlooking. This is a short one-shot that is mainly my way of digging into the characters that are Allen and Kanda. Please enjoy.

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"Smile"

--

Allen sat shoulders slumped with his back against the crumbling cavern wall. He was exhausted and beaten in body and soul. Lala's weakening song flowed through him, ripping jagged pieces of his heart out along with it into the brutal world. This was a deep sorrow that stopped tears in their tracks and froze them at their source. A sorrow that Allen had kept in his heart since the day Mana had died. The voice faltered. Allen raised his glazed eyes to the broken, singing doll. Silence brought relief, but sometimes pain was better than the absence of everything.

--

In his gloved hand was the Innocence. That was what he and Kanda had come for after all. He closed his hand around the power and released from his other the ancient Lala. She – no, _it_ clattered to the ground. Allen thought it sounded like a pile of wooden bones…like the tinkling whisper made by the fake skeletons of the Earl's Akuma. Allen smiled everyday for everyone else. He would smile until the day no one would ever hear the rattle of wooden skeletons again. Once he killed the Earl, Allen could stop walking, stop smiling, stop everything. He hoped that day would come soon because his legs and his cheeks were getting awfully tired. All he wanted to do was be able to stop. But he could never tell that to anyone. That smile would stay and protect his innocence.

Boots crunched on the uneven ground. "Is it done?"

Allen heard Kanda's harsh voice and prepared his face before answering with a smile. "I got it, Kanda."

Kanda scowled, "Finally, now let's go. I have a mission to do."

"You could have left earlier. I didn't need you to wait with me."

Kanda's scowl only deepened, "Leave the rest of the mission in your baby hands, bean sprout? Hn, I'm nowhere near as dumb as you." He turned on his heel and left.

Allen sighed. Were the swordsman not so frigid, he would be beautiful. The smile disappeared. Yes, when the lines and muscles of the Japanese man's face vanished in meditation or sleep, Kanda could be the most beautiful person Allen had ever seen. How terribly unfortunate.

--

Irritated at the delay, Kanda hurriedly made the necessary preparations for his departure. He was inclined to wait for the white-haired exorcist to return before leaving, but decided against it. That boy's sentimentality and compassion had already cost him enough time. Every minute Kanda was not fighting Akuma, people were dying. He would never be good enough or fast enough to change that, and that thought made him hate every wasted second of his life. Innocent people who had no part in this war but as victims…it was his duty to protect them. Members of the Black Order knew what they were getting themselves into. Citizens did not. That was the difference that haunted and ruled Kanda's life since the death of his parents.

Ready, Kanda picked up his bag and left the inn he and the brat had been sharing. He had half an hour until the train left, and the train was 25 minutes away on foot. No problem.

Running and leaping from roof to roof was much faster than traveling by roadside. Kanda took minute pleasure from the occasional angry shout that called out after him. He valued their lives not their comfort.

A pale image gave Kanda pause. Allen sat on a rooftop not two blocks to Kanda's right. The train was to his left. Under normal circumstances Kanda would have not have given the boy a second thought. Why would it matter that his previous mission's partner chose to sit on a roof? Lots of people sit on roofs. Right…lots of new exorcists with soft and easily bruised hearts sit on roofs by themselves after their first missions where they had to take the heart from a living doll sat on roofs… He did not care, he did not care, he did not – "God damnit," Kanda muttered. He would just stop by and make sure that the bean sprout wouldn't kill himself then leave. There was enough time. He would still make the train…_I'd better still make that train…_

Kanda was almost to Allen's roof when his instincts screamed for him to stop. Trained to obey those exact instincts in battle without a thought, Kanda stopped instantly and dropped into a wary crouch. What had set him off? Was the boy crying? He stared more carefully at the young exorcist's hunched profile trying to decipher what had put him on edge. That was when Kanda witnessed Allen take the glove off his left deformed hand and touch his dry cheek with unattached wonder then, with his hand still touching his face, Allen turned and looked at Kanda with startled, hollow eyes. It was the deadest gaze Kanda had ever seen. It was gone before Kanda fully registered what he was seeing. Back was Allen's normal smiling face, a curious tilt to his head.

"Kanda! I thought you had left?"

Not knowing what to say, Kanda remained silent and unmoving.

"Kanda? What's the matter?"

Kanda slowly stood up from his crouch, eyeing the boy. "Who are you?"

The look on Kanda's face scared Allen. "K-Kanda?"

"Answer me."

Kanda was in Allen's face, looming over him. Allen's eyes were wide. "I'm Allen… Kanda, what's the matter? Is everything all right?"

"Your eyes." Kanda was staring hard at Allen's face.

"What about them? Is it the curse?" Allen was alarmed, but Kanda said nothing. He just stood there staring hard at the boy's face. "You're acting really weird." Allen just wanted Kanda to sit down or back away or something. The tall man was tensed as if he was ready to slice Allen in two, and seeing as he had nearly done that earlier in the mission Allen didn't want to take any chances.

"Your eyes were dead."

"What? Kanda I -"

"What happened to you?"

"Stop looking at me like that, I'm fine!" Allen yelled. "Kanda…please… It's just…um…" he floundered trying to think of something that would make Kanda back off, "um…this mission! It was my first real mission, ok? So just leave me alone."

"Che." Kanda looked disgusted. "Is that all? You let that doll affect you _that_ much? And I thought something was wrong with you. You're just a pathetic brat after all. I'll pray never to see your face again."

"Why are you so angry about that?" Allen asked, all fear replaced with incredulity. "So what if I'm upset? It's not that big a deal. People get upset."

Kanda sneered, "I _hate _your weakness and naïveté. I wish that all of your type would go back to being the sheep down there," Kanda violently pointed down at the streets, "and leave the work to those of us who can handle it!"

"Is that it?" Allen started laughing mirthfully. "And here I thought that I'd actually done something wrong!"

"What the hell are you laughing at bean sprout?" Kanda was livid. No one laughed at him like that, no one.

"You can't even see yourself, Kanda," Allen choked out between quickly suppressed giggles. "How can you know anything about me?"

"Shut up!" Kanda dropped to his knees and backhanded Allen hard enough to knock him over. It was also enough to startle the boy into silence. Allen looked speechlessly up at Kanda's flushed face and heaving chest. Allen's cheek was already red and beginning to swell. "You don't know anything about me either."

"Then _tell_ me."

"You never asked."

"I'm asking _now_."

Kanda and Allen stared at each other, neither willing to break eye contact first. Allen's eyes were watering painfully but he wasn't going to back down to the older exorcist. Kanda was only three years his senior, after all. Finally Kanda smirked. "You really want to know about me?" The boy's determination touched a nerve inside Kanda and instead of being furious he was indulgent.

Allen nodded emphatically, "Yes, I do."

Kanda turned to stare almost wistfully in the direction of the train station. He would never make it in time now. He sighed, "Fine, but let's go back to the inn. It will be dark soon and we have a lot to talk about."

Allen smiled.

--

They talked for hours. The truth is that no one had ever asked Kanda's story before. Everyone had accepted his harsh attitude and frigid nature as a part of him. They had accepted him too readily. He was a soldier, a human weapon, and as long as he performed his duties at peak efficiency no one questioned his ways. The higher ups had actually _told_ the other exorcists to leave the Japanese swordsman alone. Kanda had also too readily accepted his way of existence. It was the easiest. Everyone had a story, but they all pretended that stories didn't matter. Start anew, start fresh – that was supposed to be the organization's gift to its exorcists. They could live as they pleased with no questions asked in exchange for complete loyalty and servitude. After so many years of living this way, Kanda had forgotten there could be any other.

Allen. He had stories too.

The bean sprout was a hell of a lot stronger than Kanda had ever given him credit.

"With everything you keep inside, how could you ignore Lala's song? I felt as if she were tearing me apart," Allen asked.

They were both sitting on Kanda's bed mindless of the time. Kanda was leaning back against the headboard, boots off and one leg pulled up pensively and protectively. Allen sat criss-cross at the end of the bed facing him.

"I stopped caring. I have my objective, my mission. That's all." Kanda shrugged. "It's you I don't understand."

"Me? I am a Walker. The only reason I exist is because I owe Mana that. I don't matter anymore. It's everyone else that matters. You're so wrapped up in your own head that you can't see anyone else."

Kanda raised an eyebrow challengingly. "There are things in my life that I have to do before I die, and as unfortunate as it is death impatiently awaits my arrival. I'll cease to be soon enough. So pardon me if I don't want to give death a helping hand, bean sprout."

"That's not it!" Allen slapped both hands down on the comforter angrily. "Why don't you care?"

"I don't have time to care, I'm dying!"

Allen's eyes went wide before quickly dropping to the comforter. Kanda realized that he'd suddenly leaned forward and resettled himself back against the headboard, crossing his arms defiantly. A small whisper, so faint that Kanda nearly missed it, floated across the bed from Allen's sad lips. "You're wrong Kanda. You're killing yourself."

A heavy silence descended not for the first time that evening. This was not easy for either exorcist. Finally Kanda tentatively tried again. With irritation he noted that Allen was the only one he ever gave ground to. The boy was frozen softness. It made Kanda want to care. "I stopped caring because…"

"…everyone keeps dying," Allen finished for him. Silence fell again, during which Allen scooted forward and tentatively wrapped his arms around Kanda's waist, resting his head against the swordsman's sturdy chest. Kanda watched the boy warily, eyes widening at the display.

"Hey, bean sprout. What do you think you're doing? Get off me." But Allen made no move to withdraw and Kanda made none to dislodge him.

"I don't die so easily, Kanda," Allen whispered. It was true. Allen had been through Hell and knew that even greater Hells awaited him, but he would not die. He was a Walker. He would take everything with a smile and keep walking because that was what Mana had told him to do. But he was tired, and he just wanted someone to carry him for a few moments. Was that too much for a Walker to ask for? A few moments for his legs to rest?

Oh, Allen knew that Kanda hadn't lied when he said he was dying. His cursed eye could sense it, but it wouldn't be for a long time. Who knew, they might even get to die together. Allen mentally shook himself of that thought. He was just resting his feet for a few moments. That was all.

A quick intake of breath – Kanda gasped. Then a softness fell about his eyes, "Hn. we'll see."

For once, Allen didn't have to smile, and his warm heart lulled his body to sleep.

When the boy's breath had evened into the peace of dreams, Kanda touched Allen's face wonderingly and stroked his baby-fine hair. "Fool." Kanda smiled.

--

"You guys go ahead. I'll take him on," Kanda said, sword in hand, with his back to all of them. Crowley, Lavi, Linalee and Allen all froze. The poor civilian huddled behind the exorcists, barely understanding what was going on around him. "This Noah has been after my general. I've seen him a few times." His voice was cold and set. Kanda would not change his mind. He hadn't planned on dying this soon, not when he still had so much to accomplish, but it was foolish for everyone to stay behind. Besides, there was a chance he might live through this. He smirked, not all hope was lost.

The room shook violently, knocking a couple of them to the ground. Not Kanda.

"Earthquake!" shouted Allen. Kanda's heart winced.

"So this is still inside the Ark?" That was Lavi. Damnit, thought Kanda, why couldn't they just leave before-

"Yup – Relo. This is just a room that hasn't completed the download to the new Ark – Relo." Kanda kept hoping the umbrella would stop talking, but his hopes had never amounted to much, why should they start now? "As soon as it finishes, it'll disappear – Relo."

_Fuck_.

Kanda could feel Allen's panicked eyes on his back. "I'm going to stay too, Kanda!"

Kanda turned just enough to see Allen running at him. The poor young boy's eyes were scared. Thoughts of Kanda's death kept running through Allen's head. He wasn't supposed to die yet; he wasn't supposed to leave Allen yet. Kanda still had years of life left. No, this couldn't be happening. Kanda couldn't die on him. Allen had kept his part of the bargain. Despite everything Allen was still alive! Kanda couldn't die without him!

Allen paused, solemn, "Everybody else, please find the next door and move on at the next opportunity! We will follow…"

Kanda could not allow that. It was pointless for Allen to stay behind. Even if they beat the Noah, Skin Boric, the Ark would still collapse around them and exile them to oblivion. The others still needed Allen's strength. Kanda was so proud of how strong the boy had become. _He will make a fine general someday._ There was no way Kanda could be responsible for destroying that future.

"Being stuck with you? You're kidding me."

"Kan-" Allen stopped short. Kanda's katana was millimeters from his nose.

"I said I got him." To anyone else, Kanda's glare would have been terrifying. To Allen, what was terrifying was the apology in those dark eyes. They were so close that the others wouldn't overhear if Allen whispered. Normally the two of them kept up appearances. Everyone thought that the two hated one another. That was safest…normally. This wasn't normally.

"Kanda, don't do this," Allen whispered pleadingly, reaching out towards the swordsman. "Please…let me stay. I-I can't…I think I-"

Kanda touched his hand lightly, caressing the gloved palm ever so slightly before quickly pulling away. "You act like this is the end. I don't die so easily either." Kanda smiled sadly. "They need you bean sprout. Get them out of here." Kanda's expression changed abruptly and arced his sword, forcing Allen to dodge away from him. "Get lost, or should I start dicing you guys, mmm?"

"No!" Allen was startled, angry that he had been tricked along with the others. He vaguely registered that the others were all yelling at Kanda and then that Linalee was beseeching the swordsman to be safe and hurry up after them. But nothing registered. Then he was being yanked backwards by Lavi. The Noah was attacking and just like that Kanda was no longer facing them, immersed in the battle that would likely take his life one way or another. Everyone was pushing and pulling, urging him to move towards the door. People were shouting. Allen didn't have a choice. Kanda was right; he had to protect these people; he had to keep walking. "God damnit!" Allen screamed but no one heard him, the two combatants were loud and everyone was racing for the door.

Allen turned back one last time, yelling after the one person who had ever given him rest, "Kanda, if you don't come afterwards, I'll kick your ass!" He didn't even know if Kanda could hear him anymore. Allen turned and ran, head down, after the others towards the door. He would not look back. He would not look back.

They all ushered him quickly inside the long corridor, shutting the door behind him and trapping Kanda outside. It was so long that they couldn't see its end. Cautiously they moved forward, huddled together, all trying not to think about the comrade they had left behind. Allen kept chanting to himself that Kanda would be OK.

Crack

Allen startled, _no…_

"Is something the matter Allen?" Crowley asked.

"This place…" Allen didn't want to believe it. They should still have time. Then the corridor began collapsing around them and despite all common sense dictating that they should run to the other end of the hallway, the only thing that Allen could think of as Crowley picked up him, as he himself rescued the civilian, Shaoji, was Kanda fighting on the other side of that door.

They ended up in what looked like a huge library. It didn't matter that Allen couldn't think, couldn't function – he _had _to. And when the two Noah revealed themselves, Allen smiled. He was going to rip them apart.

--

And…SCENE!

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